9-point plan for saving the planet

'Fewer people, consuming less'

1.  The government must enforce the widespread promotion of Buddhism, in particular the belief in reincarnation.  TV programmes, social media, newspapers, rock bands, academics, the police etc. must reinforce this belief at every opportunity.  If we genuinely think we are coming back, we will surely take better care of things now.

2.  Children must be referred to only as "little consumers" in advertising, TV programmes, radio, print, etc.
"Your little consumers will love the feel of new Lenor!"

3.  Stop wind farms despoiling our countryside by re-designing those ugly turbines to look like giant 18th Century Dutch windmills.

4.  When buying fresh produce imported from countries outside the UK, consumers are required to flawlessly pronounce the name of the item in its native language when they get to the checkout, otherwise they have to hand it back.  (Hint: green beans are "ejotes" in Peru, but it's hard to pronounce correctly). 

5.  Compulsory large monitor screens on the wall in every home and office, showing energy + water consumption per consumer, and comparing to the national average in (a) the UK and (b) Peru.  High users, known as 'wasters', to be displayed and pilloried online.

6.  Air conditioning can be powered only by solar panels.  Which is logical, since you only want AC when it's hot and sunny.

7.  Consumers are encouraged to bring packaging, bottles, etc. back to supermarkets, who are required to accept, store, and recycle it all.

8.  A guaranteed, generous state pension at 65 for anyone childless who undergoes 'the snip' before age 30 (to ensure they'll never hear the patter of tiny consumers).

9.  A £10k annual bonus for every household without a motor vehicle (carefully checked with DVLC, benefit records etc), together with half-price train travel.  PS. this happens to include me.

9a.  Owner of needlessly gigantic cars have to plaster them with my stickers.

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