Vague - my new magazine idea

That's what I call art with balloons

A superb piece of human art by the renowned Robocon:

The comma is in the wrong place

What does 'Tatts Out' mean?

Many Londoners have puzzled over this poster in recent weeks:

So I tested it on my long-standing, but often sitting adverts focus group. Here's the transcript:

 Leader: what do you make of this advert?
- The sun's not out, they've got that wrong.
- They must've thought August would be sunny. 
- If they thought it would be sunny, why is he getting rained on?
- Is that rain?
- He might be in a shower.
- That's a nasty burn he's got on his chest. Maybe the shower is helping.

 Leader (sigh): let's move on.
- He looks like he wants a fight.  I often feel like punching, in the shower.
- Is he on the phone, though?  
- Don't be stupid, that's a fist, ready to hit someone.
- Is he that boxer?
- Is it about gang violence?
- That's how he got the burn, isn't it.  No wonder he's angry.

 Leader (prompting): What do you think 'Tatts' means?
- No idea.
- Tattinger. He's just won a fight, if he's that boxer. 
- Taters - potatoes, I mean.  That's what we call them in Yorkshire.
- Is it a mistake - did they mean twats?

Leader (forcibly): Can you see the L'Oreal products?
- L'Oreal?  That's for women, isn't it?  Creams and all that.
- Must be to help his burn.
- Is it saying if you feel angry about your burns, don't go punching anyone, jump in the shower and put some cream on?

The group is hurridly closed. 

Do not chain activists

Here's a classic historical sign that can still be seen in a London square. It dates back to the Edwardian period, a time when a wide range of protest groups proliferated.

Prehistoric bird in London

This astonishing photo was taken today near Warren Street undergrond station in London:

It unmistakeably charts the progress of a prehistoric bird across the London clay that dates from the Jurastic period, and was used to pave the medieval streets. What a find!
PS. this photo does not appear in my book 'How Not To Be a Tourist In London' (Waiting for the third edition).

Pavement snake - stand well back

See you there

Trump 'liked' a tweet that satirised him

So I was annoyed by the latest Trump nonsense, first saying the UK was spying on him, then claiming to be just quoting someone on Fox News - so 'Don't blame me, it's their fault'.  As seen on Twitter:

This is nonsense of course - like shouting 'FIRE' in a theatre, then claiming you were just quoting the hit song by Arthur Brown.  So I replied to the chap and his pals this weekend, to make that point:

Shortly afterwards I was stnned to get this email message:

Crikey.  What was that about?  One interpretation is that he could have a well-hidden self-deprecating sense of humour. Or is too busy to read beyond 'Yes'. 

Here's what Brexit means

Budgie lollies - a summer special

Paris menus are changing...

Why haven't these company names been taken?

Today's international business quiz - answers at the end:

1. If you were planning to start a medical practice in the windy city USA, what would you call it?

2. If you were setting up as a hairdresser in Las Vegas, what would you call your salon?

3. You and your French partner are starting a hairdressing shop. Find a striking name for it.

             ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Answers:

1.  Doctor Chicago
2.  Scissors Palace
3.  Beau Locks 

The must-have self-help book for urban living

Here is the latest book from the 'Teach Yourself' stable.  It provides some of the most important lessons you can learn if you want to be happy and safe in a modern urban environment.

National Nuisance List 2015

Related to the 'National Treasure' list, these people are awarded 'National Nuisance' status for having irritated us beyond what is reasonable.

1.       Brian Blessed

2.       Bernie Ecclestone

3.       Diane Abbott

4.       Lulu

5.       Gary Lineker

6.       Tarby (still)

7.       Tony Blair

8.       Lenny Henry

9.       Dec not Ant (or is it the other way round?)

10.    Claire Baldy

11.    Andy Murray's mum

12.    Mo Farrah

13.    Mary Berry

14.    Princess Charlotte

15.    Sue not Mel (or is it the other way round?)

16.    Evan Davis

17.    Sara Cox

18.    Grayson Perry

19.    Dawn French

20.    Michael Portillo

'Build Your Own' (gift ideas for the desperate)

Ah! It's the John Lewis Christmas message

Why whistling is unpopular in London

Whistling in London
Watch any English movie made before 1940 and set in London, and at some point one of the male characters will start whistling a tune. It could be the milkman on his rounds, the delivery boy on his bicycle, or the shady character loitering on a street corner; but you can guarantee that before long, someone will start to whistle.

 Yet now nobody whistles in London. The habit has entirely died out here, although it remains more popular in the English regions. Why should this be? A group of sociologists noticed this phenomenon in the 1970s and decided to investigate. Their theory was that whistling can be seen as an expression of individual public confidence, and its absence showed that Londoners were now more fearful in public places, not wanting to draw attention to themselves.

Whistling campaign

The newspapers took this up and filled pages with the opinions of commentators and politicians, deploring the lack of social confidence. A ‘bring back whistling’ campaign was started, with famous Londoners, including the writers Will Self and Julian Barnes, deliberately whistling around town in the hope that it would catch on.

However the discovery of a diary kept by a milkman in the East End of London during the second world war threw a quite different light on the matter. During the blitz, when London was bombed every night for three months, he wrote of the ‘nasty whine and whistle’ of the bombs, and of being told to ‘shut up that whistling’ by neighbours as he delivered the milk in the morning. ‘You’ll bring them on’, he was scolded.

So the latest academic theory is that whistling is absent from London for the same superstitious reason that it’s discouraged on board ship: it brings bad luck. It seems that three months of wartime bombing did away with whistling for Londoners, and the habit has never returned.

Visitors of a humorous disposition might like to whistle a tune in public to see what happens. Be ready to receive some strange looks and muttered comments from locals, especially those from the East End, who still carry the folk memory of high explosive bombs whistling down from the night skies.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Extract from my book  'How Not to Be a Tourist in London'

Smolkesvagen - emissions are our mission

Smash the smarphones

Fed up with trying to walk past people who dawdle along, absorbed in their so-called smartphones?  Join the revolution!